That's Kansas

Today we have a contributed story from Two Ton Tony over at AOAA regarding the traffic in Wichita.

---

If you ever visit Wichita, Kansas, beware that the worst drivers wait for you there. Personally I have lived in various parts of the country and been to various parts of the world - originally I thought California had the worst drivers, but I was all too wrong.

1) Apparently right-on-red doesn't exist as a concept

If you're behind someone with their turn blinker on, and they're turning right, they probably will wait until the light turns green to go. Right-on-red is completely legal in Wichita, but nobody seems to understand how it works, so be ready to wait a while, which brings me to my next point.

2) Stop lights seem to take at least twice as long as anywhere else I have ever been on this planet

I'm not even joking. Stop lights here are probably programmed the way they are so that the slow and retarded drivers aren't too confused. A two lane road with a stop light takes nearly 5 minutes in Wichita, while other places like California it's about 2 to 3 minutes, or even less.

3) Green means go

If you've ever seen that episode of Sliders where Quinn slides to an alternate universe where Red means go and Green means stop, then you might understand that's how it works in Wichita. Sometimes you can get stuck behind someone who will sit at a green light until it turns red again.

4) Nobody knows how to turn

In Wichita the idea of turning seems a bit lost on some people, they believe that you should come to a complete stop and hold up traffic for over a minute while they try to figure out how the steering wheel works. This also goes for merging lanes on the highway, people also tend to come to a complete or near-complete stop to merge at 60mph.

5) The merging thing also is a problem because in Wichita the people who design roads are retarded

It's true, the largest construction company here is "Cornejo", which means "dogwood" in Spanish; it's a shame because it's an insult to trees everywhere. In most parts of the country on and off ramps are fairly far apart, but not in Wichita. It's the exact opposite in this beautiful city. There is about two to three car lengths between the on and off ramps in most cases, even on the damn interstate. That means people are trying to not hit each other when getting on and off, and traffic slows down horribly, also because people are slamming on their breaks.

Regular ramps are also a problem, after driving all over the country, whenever I cross into Kansas the first traffic jams at off ramps appear because of how badly designed they are.

6) Speed zone means slam on your breaks to a complete stop?

In Wichita it does. If there is a speed zone or one of those school zones, instead of letting one's gas peddle and letting the car slowly go down to that speed (as one should) or mildly slowing down with the breaks, to people in Wichita it's OH MY FUCKING GOD SLAM ON THE BREAKS AS IF THERE'S AN INFANT RIGHT IN FRONT OF US! GAHRAHRHFAHE!

7) Nobody here can pronounce "El Dorado"

If you guessed "El Doh-rah-doh", you're correct, but oh no, not here. There's a city here with that name, and they insist that it's "El Doh-ray-doh". How stupid is that? I know this is off topic, but I had to say something. I've broken down to pronouncing the city as they do, but every time I do I make quotes with my fingers so that everyone knows I'm quoting others and that I'm not stupid enough to pronounce it that way myself.

8) Wanna get read ended? Come to Wichita

That's right. You see in Wichita people seem to think their car is spot welded to yours and they have to stay a hair's length off your asshole. People in California were bad about this, but in Wichita they'll not stop if you have to stop, and run into you at full speed. Being in Wichita, in no time I was rear-ended 4 times and almost rear-ended 5 other times, luckily they hit their breaks hard enough -- something they're surely used to doing at every exist ramp anyway.

9) 30 miles per hour speed limit on a high way?

That's right. In Wichita the city seems to believe that everyone still drives a model-T and that the maximum speed limit anywhere in the city is 45, but that is very rare. If you want to get to 50, you need to go way out of the city. The interstate is 60, and in most states it's 70. Even four lane highways here are 30 or 35 miles per hour.

10) Eastborough is the armpit of Wichita

There's a city within a city here as well, and it's all upscale. If you are driving along at 45 then all of a sudden the speed limit is 20, you're in Eastborough. Watch out, the cops here are real dicks and will ticket you for going 21.

What else can be said? If you come to Wichita, never go out on the streets.

Courtesy of Kake: "Sedgwick County Investigates Possible Cock Fighting Ranch"
93 cages of cocks were seized by the police, along with cock fighting paraphernalia (tiny rooster boxing gloves, maybe?), and cock enhancing drugs. You'd think it'd be pretty straight forward, but no.

The police came in and stole the chickens, who knows why.

Yeah, since when is it against the law to make animals fight for my profit? IT'S LIKE WE'RE LIVING IN RUSSIA!


And we can always find a way to shoehorn in some quip about illegal immigrants.


Illegals deregulated the financial industry and crashed the economy.


If it weren't for David Beckham I'd be a pro soccer player. Illegals are always taking those professional sports jobs.


Japan?


Hell yeah, we eat chickens anyway, I should be able to torture them however I please, you smelly hippies.


I just tied metal spurs on their feet so they could kill each other, they were fighting anyway, what's the big deal?


And for a completely alternate world view of history...



I don't think that's right, Mr. Peabody.

Meet Southern1. He likes to comment on Wichita Eagle stories. He's got some pretty strong opinions and he's not afraid to share.

On interracial marriage and children.

I think we all know what he means by "they."

On the NAACP.

He believes rape victims should carry their rapist's child.

"David Duke is the Martin Luther King Jr. of white people."

"Waah waah the newspaper won't print my racist diatribes."

"How dare black people be more successful than me. Somebody should stop them!"

Black men writing from a black perpsective? Somebody get David Duke in here, because no white men write for newspapers anymore.

Since when was Kansas ever part of the Confederacy?

"Both took drugs. Elvis' were prescribed. He took them so he could sleep and then wake up enough to perform. He was never stoned."

He has terrible taste in tattoos. Really, a confederate flag tattoo, that's how you know you're a winner. On the bright side, I suppose it's easy to coordinate with a soiled t-shirt and the Skoal ring in his jeans.

Of course, he hates homosexuals too.

I'm racist, but I don't hate black people. I only call them monkeys and pimps when they act like it.

That's right, the Michael Richards joke was rude. To reiterate, the "joke" was Richards losing his shit and screaming, "HE'S A NIGGER!" six times. Yeah, I bet this guy watches BET all the time.

I can't imagine what kind of things he said.

No white pimps? I guess he never saw Foxy Brown.

(obviously racist post)

Fantasises about shooting black people.

Also a wiccan.

I'll let this white asshole speak for himself.

"It is not my culture and not music." So does he only listen to classical, except that fag Slav Tchaikovsky?

I wonder what that true race name is.

Also a believer in New Age horse shit.

But he is right about one thing.

According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, Kansas is home to at least 8 hate groups, ranging from Neo Nazis to the Westboro Baptist Church. Here's a great documentary on the Phelps family called The Most Hated Family in America. You can watch the whole thing on Youtube.

Hey Kansas singles, are you looking for love? I've got the cream of the crop for you. Today we're featuring Kansas' most eligible bachelorettes.

Meet sweet and adorable Aleece. At 20, she admits she's "not so smart educationaly [sic] but very wise." While she did drop out of high school and is currently unemployed, she's got a lot going on, like her 2 year old son and she's working towards opening her own nail salon.

Next, we have Kelly. Kelly prides herself on being the cool girlfriend, she won't nag you or play mindgames. She's also very down to earth and enjoys burping and farting.

Here's music lover djnightshade99. She likes listening to bands such as Rob Zombie, Mudvayne, Jack off Jill, Nine Inch Nails, Slipknot, and Static X. So, if you're a time traveler from 2001, djnightshade99's the gal for you.

Here we have sweet_lady73, a self described fun loving, outgoing gal who's really good at "cooking, gardening, being sweet." If you're looking for a sweet partner to join you as you both try to quit smoking, contact sweet_lady73.

Finally we have super rad MissezKissez, a 24 year old mother of 2, currently employed at a pizza parlor. She enjoys skipping, reading, and secretly dreams of training to be a ninja warrior.

The Wichita Eagle ran an article on the local school superintendent addressing the Hispanic chamber of congress at their next luncheon. Any story involving Hispanics is naturally met with fist shaking and screams of MEXICAAAAANNNNNSSSSSSS!!!! Here's a selection of some of the comments on the story.
Who would've guessed that people would get so uppity about supporting Hispanic youths in their education? Oh, that's right, I forgot, every Hispanic person is apparently a filthy Spanish speaker suckling off the teat of Uncle Sam.  MY TAXDOLLARS!!!!

In our next story, there was an illness outbreak at a restaurant, the probable source a gas leak. But since it was a Mexican restaurant, it must've been those dirty illegals.

I suppose he means this incident. Perhaps he should be mad at farmers and not "dirty workers."

Finally, we have the classic "Perhaps it is you who is racist."

Unfortunately, I’ve lost all the comments from the story about a local grocery store chain planning to open Hispanic themed store. These people, who at any other time champion the free market, did nothing but bitch and moan about a business catering to a certain sect of the community, only because it’s La Raza.

Greetings and salutations,

I created this blog in order to document the psychosis of residents of Kansas in hopes that it will either shame them into changing or make people laugh. I'll take either.